To Have and To Hold, a film about marriage
Funds Needed for Completion: $ 50,000.0
Estimated Completion Date: 12/31/2008
Synopsis
The filmmaker’s personal quest to discover how to make a marriage thrive, why 95% of us marry in a lifetime and whether we should.
'To Have and To Hold' is the filmmaker’s personal quest to discover how to make a marriage thrive, why 95% of us marry in a lifetime and whether marriage is becoming an outdated idea. The quirky, funny, and thought-provoking search for answers runs parallel to the start and quick demise of her second marriage, which is also documented from newlywed bliss to divorce court as the couple attempts to work side by side shooting the film all the while.
The narrative is lead from one subject to the next by the filmmaker’s frequent voice over and on camera musings about the state of her marriage. She lets the audience in on her dirty secrets and short comings, among others, that she, like many women she knows, doesn’t really like being in a relationship all that much and that she, despite her upbringing to become the ‘perfect wife’ to the ‘perfect man’ has a knack for picking ‘the wrong guy’.
Budget:
$50,000.0
Project's Financial Needs
Filming on 'To Have and To Hold' is 80% complete. Interviews have been conducted with over 50 couples in five countries (mostly piggybacked with other productions to keep costs low). Remaining production involves interviews with marriage experts, scholars and a few additional couples to add more diversity of race, socio-economics, age, experience, and geography.
Funding will be used for production costs, including travel expenses and crew fees. Additionally, funding will be used to pay for the editor and post-production costs.
Other financial Support
Pacific Pioneer Fund has kindly supported To Have and To Hold, donating their maximum possible award.
Current stage of production
Production
Estimated Completion Date
12/31/2008
Treatment
“Marriage is so complicated. I’ve been married twice myself, and I’m not very good at it. For a while I thought there was something wrong with me, but lately I’ve started to wonder…is marriage compatible with life in the 21st century? And if it isn’t, then what…?” Filmmaker Voice Over
'To Have and To Hold' is the filmmaker’s personal quest to discover how to make a marriage thrive, why 95% of us marry in a lifetime and whether marriage is becoming an outdated idea. The quirky, funny, and thought-provoking search for answers runs parallel to the start and quick demise of her second marriage, which is also documented from newlywed bliss to divorce court as the couple attempts to work side by side shooting the film all the while.
The narrative is lead from one subject to the next by the filmmaker’s frequent voice over and on camera musings about the state of her marriage. She lets the audience in on her dirty secrets and short comings, among others, that she, like many women she knows, doesn’t really like being in a relationship all that much and that she, despite her upbringing to become the ‘perfect wife’ to the ‘perfect man’ has a knack for picking ‘the wrong guy’.
STATEMENT OF OBJECTIVE
Although the subject of marriage has always been a topic of interest, recently we have added the further debate of same sex marriage. While formerly we may have pondered how to save marriage, the current issue has become who should be given the right to marry.
While addressing these very relevant yet frequently discussed topics, 'To Have and To Hold' goes far beyond and broaches a whole new set of pressing questions in need of review – why do we marry, should we marry and if we don’t, what are some alternatives?
Through an in-depth look at the institution of marriage, including it’s faults, benefits and joys, 'To Have and To Hold' strives to create stronger unions for those who do marry, more acceptance of those who don’t and better options for those who would prefer an alternative.
NARRATIVE SUMMARY
“Every marriage is different,” explains Odette Forbes, who elaborates on how she has gained this knowledge, “The first time I got married I was seventeen. The fifth time, I was eighty…”
Chapter 1 -What’s the secret?
In beautifully composed interviews (with B roll) long married couples, experts, and scholars give varied, comical and heartfelt views on how to make a marriage succeed - from one couple who dress alike everyday and believe that the secret is wanting to be with each other all the time, to another who believe, after six decades of marriage, that the secret is simply apathy. Others, including a set of first cousins who have been in love since childhood, a pair of Born Again Christians, an Italian Count and Countess and a couple with a thirty year age gap, have ideas that are in equal parts similar and vastly diverse.
The newlywed and newly pregnant filmmaker (with a young son from her first marriage) is determined to find the secret to making her new marriage a success. She and her new husband work side by side in a search for answers during the early stages of their marriage.
Chapter 2 - Why do we marry?
Ninety-five percent of Americans marry in a lifetime. In this section the film turns to looking at what motivates the majority of us to marry, particularly with our 50% chance of failure looming ever present. Experts, including John Gottman, who can predict divorce with 90% accuracy, and author of The Myth of Monogamy, David Barash, ground the film in fact while discussing what drives us, biologically, to couple up. Historian and author of Marriage, A History, Stephanie Coontz addresses the historical reasons for marriage and how love began the demise of marriage as it was known until the Victorian Era. A matchmaker explains how marriage is part of our culture and you might as well go along with it, and a ten year old boy, who has already planned his wedding, expresses his views on people marrying to avoid loneliness.
As the questions turn to why, the filmmaker and her husband argue at every turn and the marriage has started to fall apart. The birth of their daughter raises the stakes. The marriage counseling bills mount up.
Chapter 3 - Should we marry?
The pursuit shifts to asking whether we should marry and what we have to gain or loss from the institution. The lingering debate about same sex marriage is represented in this section through a gay couple who have fought for the right to marry and we eventually are with them celebrating their wedding day. Experts weigh in on what we have to gain from marriage, giving a good case for marriage benefiting out lives in a wide range of ways – from financial security to better immune systems to a longer life expectancy.
To add humor, we meet a private investigator for suspicious spouses, a minister in a Las Vegas wedding chapel and a Beverly Hills divorce lawyer.
At the same time, the filmmaker starts to question if this whole marriage thing isn’t such a good idea after all, as she and her husband decide it is time to have a trial separation. They continue working together on the film during the split and the filmmaker readjusts to life as a single parent, this time with two children.
Chapter 4 - What are the alternatives to marriage?
The film concludes with the search for alternatives to marriage. A San Francisco based Jungian analyst recommends 10 or 20 year marriage contract, a founding member of a sixties commune recommends communal living, the founder of unmarried.org, an advocacy group for singles prefers the single life and a divorce lawyer suggests that procreating with opposite sex friends is a better way of having children.
The filmmaker files for divorce. Her husband stops working on the film.
VISUALS
The filmmaker, an accomplished still photographer for over fifteen years, brings her ironic eye and knack for beautiful compositions to the images, dismissing the notion that ‘talking heads’ are merely formulaic. Visually, 'To Have and To Hold' is made up of beautiful imagery that is fun to watch. Juxtaposing carefully composed interviews with playful asides, the storytellers are broken up with visual montages of wedding footage, joyful images of children playing as bride and groom, quirky scenes of wedding fairs, voice over of love poetry and marriage statistics, iconic archival footage of marriages over the past century and the hilarious journey of a wedding cake from mixing bowl to wedding reception.
'To Have and To Hold' is shot on mini-DV in order to allow for intimate unobtrusive interviews. Using this technique, the filmmaker disarms the subjects and allows them to tell their most personal stories. The program runs a full hour, allowing adequate time to address a topic too huge to touch upon in a fleeting half hour format.
AUDIENCE
Ninety five percent of Americans marry by age fifty-five. 'To Have and To Hold' is a film with built in mass appeal – there is virtually no television viewer who won’t see a connection to him or herself in some way, with marriage affecting all Americans -- for better or for worse.
95% of viewers over 55 will have personal experience with marriage. To Have and To Hold has personal relevance to them all. Younger viewers who are considering their first venture into marriage, are newly married, affected by divorce or are simply single, by choice or by circumstance, will also be compelled to watch.
After its broadcast window, 'To Have and To Hold' will find a longtime use in college and university settings including law schools rethinking the ‘marriage contract,’ psychology and sociology classes and in social policy institutes. Working closely with an educational distributor, a website with resource links will be developed.
CURRENT STATUS
Filming on 'To Have and To Hold' is 80% complete. Interviews have been conducted with over 50 couples in five countries and the filmmaker’s marriage has been covered in many phases, both happy and sad. Remaining production involves the filmmaker’s journey through the divorce courts as well as interviews with marriage experts, scholars and a few additional couples to add more diversity of race, socio-economics, age and experience, and geography. Additional couples include those in an arranged marriage, a polygamist relationship, love-struck newlyweds embarking on a life together and a young couple in the midst of the chaos of raising children.
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